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Romney is not the only Republican going bold this political season. Fox News has decided to clean house and bring some fresh energy in the run up to the Presidential Election. In a move that the lame-street-media is calling BOLD, they have decided to replace aging Tea Party superstar Sarah Palin with Quark, from Star Trek Deep Space Nine fame.
“We feel Quark will really be able to excite our base. His dedication to pure greed is something many of our viewers can relate to.” said a Fox representative. In response to a question about whether it will be a problem that Quark is a fictional character, he said, “We have the up most confidence that our viewers will be able to make the distinction”. However many experts disagree. “FoxNews scrapes the bottom of the intellectual barrel. There is a very good chance that millions will accept Quark as a real person just like they did with Sarah Palin.” said a leading media consultant.
This move is fueling rumors that the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition are beng added to the Republican platform. Political experts are saying that this represents more of a formality than anything new.
1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
2. The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
3. Never pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
4. A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
11. Latinum isn’t the only thing that shines.
12. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14. Anything stolen is pure profit.
15. Acting stupid is often smart.
16. A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract…but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.
24. Latinum can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
31. Never insult a Ferengi’s mother…insult something he cares about instead.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
52. Never ask when you can take.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum–treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
69. When she discusses money for “favors”, charge her what she’ll pay.
74. Knowledge equals profit.
75. Home is where the heart is…but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace….it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94. Females and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand…or die.
97. Enough…is never enough.
98. Every man has his price.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but latinum is forever.
103. Sleep can interfere…. [cut off]
104. Faith moves mountains…of inventory.
106. There is no honor in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack…is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family…exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
125. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead. [5]
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141. Only fools pay retail.
144. There’s nothing wrong with charity…as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
168. Whisper your way to success.
177. Know your enemies…but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation…you keep their latinum.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
192. Never cheat a Klingon…unless you can get away with it.
194. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217. You can’t free a fish from water.
218. Always know what you’re buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236. You can’t buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good…all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury…a smart accountant a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
286. When Morn leaves, it’s all over. (made up by Quark—season 3, episode 3, this is representative of the idea that all things may be adjusted should it serve to make a profit)
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